The Flight Of Beauty?

I wore this shirt the other day and pondered what “the flight of beauty” actually means. The word “flight” makes me think of an airplane, a means to reach your destination. A flight could be a journey or voyage and perhaps the purpose is to find, enhance, and /or constantly work towards beauty, both inner and outer sources. The flight of beauty may be what happens once you find your inner confidence and can truly chase your dreams and become a better person, all while maintaining gorgeous hair and a fabulous wardrobe. Initially that’s what I thought the message of this Express branded t-shirt circa 2008 meant- an encouraging theory of inspiration I was sharing with the world.

I later realized the word “flight” also means an escape, or departure and now the message advertised across my bosom meant something completely opposite- “the escape of beauty”. The shirt might as well say “Look people, I am getting older with each passing minute and it is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a flat stomach, hide the fact that I need an eye lift, not wanna smack screaming children in Target, and not lose my patience with my mother as I am evolving into her.”

This shirt is ridiculing my age, my appearance, my sometimes negative attitude, and the little patience that remains within me to deal with the masses in a friendly manner.

There is only one way this shirt can be worn in the future to avoid confusion in the message: with a pair of slimming jeans, my Manolo Blahniks, coordinating accessories, lip gloss, a smile, and all of my remaining beauty exposed with my head held high…recent blow-out applied to the hair of course.

Must Write for Sanity

My own misery and lack of general direction in life has inspired me to focus on my writing for a number of reasons, some of which I will list now:

1. I like writing

2. I’m good at writing…almost as good as I am at inhaling fun size candy bars

3. I have relevant and hilarious things to say

4. People ask me about my blog all the time and then I have to admit to the both of us that I am a huge failure and don’t post because I’m too busy...which translates into paralyzation by Supernanny re-runs

5. With age, I am losing my funniness and I’m in a desperate search to hold onto the little that remains

6. Writing exercises my brain and unfortunately my brain has been in a quasi-hibernation since college (and it has nothing to do with my alcohol intake during those years…please see my liver for any issues pertaining to Beast consumption)

7. Writing is a release- it’s therapy. I can, share, vent, identify, explore, analyze, and gather comrades to laugh with.

8. A small part of me believes my blog will just happened to be discovered Brian Fate style. You know, the record producer who just happened to be jogging by the garage and discovered Zach Attack.

9. I want to be a Kathy Griffin/Chelsea Handler/Conan O’Brien/Shaquille O’Neal/Tucker Max hybrid of hilarious glory.

10. It is my duty. I feel it is my duty to serve you- the people, my readers, my friends- a daily dose of hilariousness. And by daily, I mean I’m aiming to post at least three times a week until I become the hybrid listed in #9 and will have the time to post everyday since it will be my full-time job and I can spend the rest of my days in 6 hour work-out regimens with my trainer to the stars.

Will my boring, miserable life get in the way of making all of this happen? It’s possible. But I will be keeping my eye on the prize…Brian Fate.

A Written Apology

My last blog was in May of 2008...almost a year ago. I'm disappointed in myself. I've let myself down. I've let you down. You're probably not even checking my blog so I can't be sure anyone is even hearing my apology. A friend, a good one who understands my hilarity, suggested I start a video blog since people are lazy and would rather watch something than read something. I've been contemplating it until last week when I heard a voice mail of myself...MY VOICE IS AWFUL! I sound like a boy, a child with a botched tracheotomy, a cartoon polar bear. I couldn't talk for hours after I heard it because I was so appalled.

Writing hilarious commentary is a passion. I'm not sure I'm on-camera talent. I mean, of course I have the hair for the big screen (or just one of the 50,000 video blogs on the Internet), but this voice won't get me anywhere but a possible voice over next to a D-list celebrity in "Air Bud 5".

I will continue to contemplate the idea of video blogging but for now, I'm gonna stick to a written blog. This is a place where people can continue to hear me...without actually hearing me.