Two weeks ago I applied for a part-time job handing out samples of a new energy drink to the masses who shop at Costco on Saturday mornings. I had to include a photo of myself, so naturally I picked one where I thought I looked good. They never contacted me. Fuck my life.
Seriously…am I not hot enough to hand out Dixie cups filled with some soily tasting, unnaturally fizzy, orange liquid to older couples in matching overalls that travel to Burbank in hopes of finding 62-pound tubs of Folgers? Perhaps in the picture I chose I wasn’t showing a psycho clown smile like I had been downing this particular brand of crack for your heart for the past 72 hours. I mean, I can wear paper gloves, an apron and a hairnet and look pretty attractive, so how was I not chosen?
My photo and resume say that I am pleasant, I have retail experience, I’m intelligent, college-educated, and my hair alone would have sent a decent percentage of these bulk-loving shoppers lunging at inconsumable cases of eight ounce cans of liquid alloy. Not to mention, I am extremely talented at pouring liquid into cups, standing on my two feet, and my diction is absolutely sensational when announcing, “Would you like to try this new energy drink called “Oxidized Jitters”?
If anyone has a Costco membership and would like to scout out the Sample Hander Outers, I would love to go on a Saturday. I’d be very intrigued to see who they picked and how well they can pour 2 ounces of liquid shit with a brainless name like “Grape Illusion Gorilla Lightning” into a tiny cup because I can do it on one foot, blind-folded and still look pretty hot (that's what I was told the last time I was blind-folded and only had the use of one foot) ...I should really also pick up a triple-bottle package of the 64-ounce Heinz ketchup bottles.
