I'm A Popstar And You Know It

In a past life, I was a member of an ass-kickin’ female vocal group, a la Danity Kane. I absolutely know I was. I had to have been. Picture me. Picture all you know of me and try and tell me I’m not one-fifth a slice of pure pop perfection. I am the sporty but sassy member. The girl whose style exudes sophista-funk. The one who makes tennis shoes look sexy. The girl who plays football with the boys and kicks their asses all while looking good. The member with the best body roll. I am thinking about unleashing my past life onto P. Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs himself so he can transform me into super stardom once again. He needs me. I need him. I am a popstar stuck in a metadata specialist’s body and watching episodes of "Making The Band 4" is making it worse. I need the stage. Give me one-fifth of it.

The Heart As a Symbol of Love and Health

Is it any bit ironic that a heart is a representation of Valentine’s Day- the day synonymous with expensive dinners of 42 ounce cholesterol-crammed Sirloin Steaks, assorted chocolate hearts filled with various goo aimed at producing unnatural heart rhythms, and candy hearts recruiting human hearts to be on Team Diabetes?

On the flip-side, research shows a glass of wine could be healthy for your heart if consumed in moderate amounts. A “moderate amount” is considered no more than one drink per day so don’t have two tonight, or your heart is looking at possible failure…especially when combined with that industrial-sized piece of beef.

*Picture above from Jupiter Images. It's a "chocolate heart".

May All The Worlds Collide

So after successfully starting my blog, I alerted an entire batch of people about my new project.

Slight issue.

This entire batch of people includes, good friends, old friends, friends of friends, family members who get me, family members who don’t, co-workers, ex-coworkers, people I’ve made out with, people I can only speculate I’ve made out with, people I’m trying to impress, people older than me, people younger than me, people smarter than me, women, men, mothers, fathers, drunkards, the slightly psychotic, the missing in action, the genuine, the smart-asses, local celebrities, lovers, fighters, the good, the bad, the evil, jokers, smokers, and midnight tokers.

It’s quite a list and diversity sounds like it would be a good thing….at first.

Yesterday I was in deep thought, in my favorite deep-thinking location- the shower- and realized I could have committed myself to a life of horror and going to movie theaters alone! Some of my blogs won’t be for the weak-hearted- literally. I might have to supply beta-blockers for all the people I am sure to offend at some point along my blogging career.

But I realized that having all my worlds and parallel lives collide into one giant potential disaster is going to happen and it will be real. Being real is a top priority to me. Nobody likes anything that is fake or censored if they can have the real thing and have it be better than the fake. (Picture a set of natural, perky, perfect size 34C breasts- get it?) So here I am, letting the people I’m trying to impress mingle with the drunkards, and letting my parents unite with the slightly psychotic…oh wait, those would be the same people.

It’s what I have to do. Let the lovers mix with the fighters if it means saving myself from becoming best friends with a psychiatrist.

Does This Life Make My Butt Look Big?

Blogging. It's so 2001. It isn't often I am six years behind on a trend. I'm hip, fashionable, and pop culture has been my best friend since my second grade birthday party at the nearby roller skating rink. Just ask all the cleverly dressed Troll dolls I got as gifts.

I am afraid that in the very beginning of this current century, my college quest to consume enormous amounts of liquor and the subsequent graduation (yes, I have defeated my fear of the "G" word) that dropped me into the "real world" like hastily packed MRE's from a miltary helicopter, I ignorantly dismissed the idea of blogging. And how could I? I have been denying the entire world my views on important and thought-provoking topics such as the utopia that is a college campus, the complete awfulness of marriage at any age before 62, the horrendous effort of Cleveland sports teams when it counts most- in the championship finals, and exercising while wearing a thong.

Does this life make my butt look big? I aim to find out.