The Flight Of Beauty?

I wore this shirt the other day and pondered what “the flight of beauty” actually means. The word “flight” makes me think of an airplane, a means to reach your destination. A flight could be a journey or voyage and perhaps the purpose is to find, enhance, and /or constantly work towards beauty, both inner and outer sources. The flight of beauty may be what happens once you find your inner confidence and can truly chase your dreams and become a better person, all while maintaining gorgeous hair and a fabulous wardrobe. Initially that’s what I thought the message of this Express branded t-shirt circa 2008 meant- an encouraging theory of inspiration I was sharing with the world.

I later realized the word “flight” also means an escape, or departure and now the message advertised across my bosom meant something completely opposite- “the escape of beauty”. The shirt might as well say “Look people, I am getting older with each passing minute and it is becoming increasingly difficult to maintain a flat stomach, hide the fact that I need an eye lift, not wanna smack screaming children in Target, and not lose my patience with my mother as I am evolving into her.”

This shirt is ridiculing my age, my appearance, my sometimes negative attitude, and the little patience that remains within me to deal with the masses in a friendly manner.

There is only one way this shirt can be worn in the future to avoid confusion in the message: with a pair of slimming jeans, my Manolo Blahniks, coordinating accessories, lip gloss, a smile, and all of my remaining beauty exposed with my head held high…recent blow-out applied to the hair of course.

Must Write for Sanity

My own misery and lack of general direction in life has inspired me to focus on my writing for a number of reasons, some of which I will list now:

1. I like writing

2. I’m good at writing…almost as good as I am at inhaling fun size candy bars

3. I have relevant and hilarious things to say

4. People ask me about my blog all the time and then I have to admit to the both of us that I am a huge failure and don’t post because I’m too busy...which translates into paralyzation by Supernanny re-runs

5. With age, I am losing my funniness and I’m in a desperate search to hold onto the little that remains

6. Writing exercises my brain and unfortunately my brain has been in a quasi-hibernation since college (and it has nothing to do with my alcohol intake during those years…please see my liver for any issues pertaining to Beast consumption)

7. Writing is a release- it’s therapy. I can, share, vent, identify, explore, analyze, and gather comrades to laugh with.

8. A small part of me believes my blog will just happened to be discovered Brian Fate style. You know, the record producer who just happened to be jogging by the garage and discovered Zach Attack.

9. I want to be a Kathy Griffin/Chelsea Handler/Conan O’Brien/Shaquille O’Neal/Tucker Max hybrid of hilarious glory.

10. It is my duty. I feel it is my duty to serve you- the people, my readers, my friends- a daily dose of hilariousness. And by daily, I mean I’m aiming to post at least three times a week until I become the hybrid listed in #9 and will have the time to post everyday since it will be my full-time job and I can spend the rest of my days in 6 hour work-out regimens with my trainer to the stars.

Will my boring, miserable life get in the way of making all of this happen? It’s possible. But I will be keeping my eye on the prize…Brian Fate.

A Written Apology

My last blog was in May of 2008...almost a year ago. I'm disappointed in myself. I've let myself down. I've let you down. You're probably not even checking my blog so I can't be sure anyone is even hearing my apology. A friend, a good one who understands my hilarity, suggested I start a video blog since people are lazy and would rather watch something than read something. I've been contemplating it until last week when I heard a voice mail of myself...MY VOICE IS AWFUL! I sound like a boy, a child with a botched tracheotomy, a cartoon polar bear. I couldn't talk for hours after I heard it because I was so appalled.

Writing hilarious commentary is a passion. I'm not sure I'm on-camera talent. I mean, of course I have the hair for the big screen (or just one of the 50,000 video blogs on the Internet), but this voice won't get me anywhere but a possible voice over next to a D-list celebrity in "Air Bud 5".

I will continue to contemplate the idea of video blogging but for now, I'm gonna stick to a written blog. This is a place where people can continue to hear me...without actually hearing me.

Great Sex!

Everybody loves great sex and last night I experienced the best of it for two and a half hours!!!-- I had a front row seat at an advanced screening of “Sex & The City: The Movie” and there wasn’t one moment that didn’t bring extreme pleasure. Appropriately, our group of four sat amongst other anxious fans as bonus footage from the Red Carpet of the New York City premiere warmed us up for the main event. As the stars exited their limos in predictably incredible fashion get-ups, the theater crowd cheered for their favorites, Kim Cattrell (Samantha) receiving the most screams and cheers. Finally, as we are ready to burst, Sarah Jessica leads us into the NYC theater and we are all on the edge of our seats as an upgraded, jazzier version of the tantalizing theme song re-introduces us to the magical scenes of New York and our four favorite forty-somethings.

The entire screenplay was perfectly executed. Missing is absolutely nothing from the clever and full-circle writings of the individual episodes that we all fell in love with. It packs even more true-life hilarity, while creating new and relatable heart-smashing despair. The fashion somehow, someway even managed to step it up as a pair of Manolo’s becomes so much more than a “$480- no, $525” pair of pumps.

This was probably the best movie I have seen in years. Even if you have never seen the television series, the movie is strong enough to stand alone and still worth your Friday night. The first ten minutes highlight each character’s personality enough to understand who they are, what they are about and why the world loves this quartet.

I give this ‘Sex’ a ten out of ten….and I’m not easy to please!

You Hate "The Hills" But Watch It Anyways

Raise your hand if you watch “The Hills”. Ok, I don’t honestly expect anyone to raise their hand because it is the number one show everybody watches but refuses to admit. It has to be the most unreal, reality television program ever created yet Monday after Monday I tune in to watch the latest and fakest “Heidi sad face”, enhanced this year due to her obvious and overly frequent collagen lip injections. (Seriously she needs to stop. Her lips are beyond the size of the Goodyear Blimp, her new boobs were implanted into her throat, her nose job makes her look older- not sure what the problem was with her original nose- I assume she claims deviated septum to fit in with the rest of Hollywood, and her bright white hair is eye-blinding. Also, she could stand to eat more than a fruit cup for lunch).

Each episode is virtually the same, Heidi, Spencer, Lauren and Audrina all magically appear at the same Hollywood club and have a massive verbal brawl about who made eye contact with who, that always leads back to “the rumor” and then there is conversation about the latest Heidi and Spencer conspiracy theory to “break-up” Lauren and Audrina. Every episode is honestly the same story line.

Rewind to the episode this past Monday, 4/14. During the first scene, Heidi asks the receptionist at Audrina’s job where she can find her. Fun fact of the day- I was that same receptionist at Sony as a temp for two and a half weeks when I first moved here…McDonalds drive thru headset and all! How hilarious is that? I wish Heidi would have walked in while I was there so I could have popped her lips with a push pin. But then again, this was two years ago- when she still looked human.

Tune in next week when Heidi unnaturally forces a girls night out with her enemy’s roommate and her douche-bag boyfriend’s younger sister. Nobody can say she doesn’t have girlfriends! Audrina’s random and fake co-worker totally counts as Heidi’s friend!

I'm A Popstar And You Know It

In a past life, I was a member of an ass-kickin’ female vocal group, a la Danity Kane. I absolutely know I was. I had to have been. Picture me. Picture all you know of me and try and tell me I’m not one-fifth a slice of pure pop perfection. I am the sporty but sassy member. The girl whose style exudes sophista-funk. The one who makes tennis shoes look sexy. The girl who plays football with the boys and kicks their asses all while looking good. The member with the best body roll. I am thinking about unleashing my past life onto P. Diddy/Puffy/Sean Combs himself so he can transform me into super stardom once again. He needs me. I need him. I am a popstar stuck in a metadata specialist’s body and watching episodes of "Making The Band 4" is making it worse. I need the stage. Give me one-fifth of it.

The Heart As a Symbol of Love and Health

Is it any bit ironic that a heart is a representation of Valentine’s Day- the day synonymous with expensive dinners of 42 ounce cholesterol-crammed Sirloin Steaks, assorted chocolate hearts filled with various goo aimed at producing unnatural heart rhythms, and candy hearts recruiting human hearts to be on Team Diabetes?

On the flip-side, research shows a glass of wine could be healthy for your heart if consumed in moderate amounts. A “moderate amount” is considered no more than one drink per day so don’t have two tonight, or your heart is looking at possible failure…especially when combined with that industrial-sized piece of beef.

*Picture above from Jupiter Images. It's a "chocolate heart".